I want kids.... That's cool...Right???

(All kiddos pictured here were borrowed from my sister Leah and her wife Heather. They are my favorite thing of all time. The End.)

I've always known I wanted to be a mom. Played with baby dolls when I was a kiddo, talked a lot about being a parent when I was younger.  Saved all my fanciest outfits my whole life to go into my future daughter's dress up clothes bin. Have the name's all picked out, basically have the nursery designed on a Pinterest board. (Ok literally have the nursery designed on a Pinterest board.) I take great pride in taking care of my people. So, it's safe to say, motherhood and I would be a pretty good fit.

And then my career happened. AND then my career happened. And happened. And kept happening. And it's the weirdest thing, it just keeps happening. Music isn't just a career. It's a passion, a religious experience, a lifestyle, a way of life. It's a 24 hour, never done, best be good at promoting yourself, and an excellent business person, a better shmoozer, a good hang, a late night party girl and an early bird gets the wormer. Oh and then you have to be freaking great. But for those of us lucky enough to hang in there, it's the joy of our lives. Nothing can compare. Trust me when I say I've had relationships end very badly when people realized that they couldn't compare. But alas, that's a story for another day.

So my 20's fluttered away. Years of literally being a starving artist, writing songs everyday 10am-4pm and then waiting tables 4pm-4am just to support my songwriter habit. And then a couple years that were a little easier. When I was 28 I signed a record and a publishing deal that paid me enough to just about cover my rent and if I did some odd jobs here and there I'd be able to pay my bills and eat. Things were looking up!!! But obviously no time to think about kiddos! And obviously barely money to feed myself, so definitely not enough to feed a baby. Also there was that pesky part about maybe needing a partner to have a child. But hey!!! No big deal! I've got plenty of time!!! Right? Hmmmmm.... Right?

Meanwhile all my friends started getting married. So hell! I did too! Good guy, good job, nice house. Oh wait... Turns out we didn't quite see eye to eye on a lot of things. He was/is a wonderful man, so this is one thing I'm not gonna get personal with. Let's just say it didn't work out, and we moved on. 

Right around the time that was ending was when my label half put a single out on me. I say half because it was on their sister label that no one at radio took seriously (harsh but true) and also because the label closed down during my single cycle. And about that time I started noticing a lot of the men country singers who were about on the same level as me having kids. I guess it's a lot easier to pick up and leave and spend half your life on the road knowing you have a partner at home taking care of the babies. For women, not always a thing.

Since then, 4 years have passed and no singles for Ruthie. And sorry but gotta say it: no singles for ANY female country singers on my record label. But alas, that's also a story for another time. So 4 years have passed. And I'm no good at math but I'm pretty sure that it takes a little under 1 year to have a baby. So in theory I could've had 4 babies in the time I've been waiting for my label to figure out what to do with me. Just saying guys. 👼🏼

But being the strong independent gal I was raised to be, I try not to let it bother me. After all I have plenty of time... Right? Sure... Maybe? I do know that as unattractive as this is, a few years ago I realized it really was starting to bother me. And not in the best way. See, I realized that after a few glasses of wine I would inevitably start rambling on about how Curb was "stealing my baby making years from me". Ouch. Get a grip girl. But hey, remember that age old thing kids used to say in high school? Truth comes out when you're drunk? My truth was really coming out. And probably not in the healthiest way. Ok definitely not in the healthiest way.

So a few years back, I decided to just put it out there into the universe and the rest be damned. So I picked a number. An age rather. And that age was 36. And I told myself, when I was 36, I was going to have a baby. Man or no man, I was going to figure it out. That gave me a few years to save up the money and maybe even get myself into a great loving relationship too! (Love those priorities Ruth.) And it really did give me some peace. Just saying it to myself, knowing that I would have my time. That just because I had this ONE BIG CRAZY DREAM, (music) that didn't mean that I was ONLY allowed to have one big crazy dream. I'm human, and it's ok to want it all. In fact, most people do.  I know a lot of people would kill to have the job I have, to get to do music everyday for a living. I am SO SO lucky. But I'm done pretending that it's all rosy all the time and that there aren't very real sacrifices that are being made. 

So that's good. Halfway there right? Now I just have to figure out the whole balance thing. I have a friend who's record label told her that the reason they weren't putting out a single on her and her band was because she went ahead and got herself knocked up. Yup. No lie. Those words were said in 2018. Well... I have many choice words to say about that but I'll just say hopefully I will be met with a little more compassion when my time comes. Cause here's the bottom line. I can keep waiting and putting off having a family because my record label keeps putting off releasing a single on me. But... what if I keep waiting and waiting and I miss it? It's a very real possibility. A very real possibility that my sister reminds me of every time she calls me up and and tells me that I'm officially gonna have a geriatric pregnancy. Thanks a lot sis. (And by the way, that's a real thing!)

Yes, there's always adoption. And adoption is on my heart already so that's a thing that's going to happen either way. But do I wanna look back one day and know that I probably could've had the experience of childbirth and I missed it? Probably not. Definitely not. 

36 is creeping up. Getting closer everyday. And I have given myself enough grace to say if I turn 36 and it's not the right time, of course I won't make myself have a baby. But if I feel ready, I'm gonna move forward. I don't know how and I honestly have no idea what any of that process would look like. But guess what? Faith over fear right? If I let the fear of never being a mom rule my life and my decision making, then all I will receive back is more fear. So I choose faith. And I'm going to keep choosing faith. Because I truly believe it'll all work out the way it's supposed to. God is good and He always provides. 

Whew. That was a lot. I've never opened up about this stuff to anyone except my closest friends. But this blog is all about keeping it real so there you go. Is there anything in your life that you're scared you are going to miss out on because of a career choice or a specific life decision you've made? Faith over fear baby. Faith over fear.

Thanks for giving me a place to be honest guys. I love you all.

💖 always,

Ruthie